The Bad Sport

LOS ANGELES – David Beckham no longer sounds like a wimp.

After a five-hour successful voice lowering surgery on Saturday, the LA Galaxy midfielder will now speak – literally – like Barry White.

Beckham warming his neck after surgery.

In a deal estimated to be in the $10 million range, Beckham bought the late soul singer’s voicebox. He is still negotiating the rights to White’s music. If successful, he and wife Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham next year will record a duet album entitled, “Can’t Get Enough of Your Voice, Babby.”

Beckham, under doctor’s orders not to speak for the next month until the doctor travels to Mexico, would not physically comment. His wife, however, sat by his side with a smile as wide as her cleavage.

“Next to my friendships with Tom Cruise and Will Smith, this is the happiest day of my life,” Posh said of her husband’s new voice. “I can finally be turned on by David when he calls me from the road.”

Posh thinking extra hard about something

Beckham, whose sculpted figure has tantalized women across the globe, has never had the voice to match it. His wife, who “married him for what I saw on the inside,” realized that part of that inside included high pitched vocal chords.

Initially fearing that elective surgery on Beckham’s voice might risk his life, thus ruining her savings, Posh allegedly waited until he neared the end of his career to push him on the change.

Posh, however, claims that is the “farthest thing from the truth,” adding “that would be a good name for a pop song, ‘The Farthest Thing From the Truth,’ don’t ya think?”

White’s voicebox, however, wasn’t buying it.

White's voice will live on.

“That girl is full of you know what,” White’s voicebox said an hour prior to surgery. “And tell that no-talent girl to keep her mouth shut and just look good. She couldn’t name a pop song from a list of pop songs.

While it isn’t high on Posh, White’s voicebox said he’s looking forward to voicing Beckham for the rest of the athlete’s life.

“I’m completing a package,” White’s voicebox said. “And if he opted for another transplant, I’d be completing two.

“Ohhhhhhhh yeah, baby.”

ST. LOUIS – Tiger’s penis may now be limp, but he still remains a pimp.

Just days after Gatorade dumped Woods, Pimp Juice Energy Drink swooped right in and signed him to a two-year, $10 million endorsement contract.

Tiger couldn't stop roaring about his Pimp Juice.

Rapper Nelly, who co-owns the energy drink inspired by his song of the same name, reached out to Woods immediately when he heard that he was a beverage free agent.

“What we got here is a bonafide pimp and no matter what ya’ll say ’bout him, Tiger got some mad pimp juice inside him,” said Nelly, who sat next to Woods at a Monday press conference at the drink’s Fillmore Street Brewery. “Pimp Juice is proud to have a Tiger representin’.”

Woods, who checked out two months early from the Gentle Path sex addition program at the Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services center in Hattiesburg, Miss., to attend the press conference, said Nelly’s sales pitch was perfect.

“Nelly made me realize I have nothing to apologize for,” Woods said. “There is nothing wrong with being a pimp, and there is everything right with drinking Pimp Juice. I was pretty fired up to have my first Vodka and Pimp Juice this morning.”

Tiger took down a big ass can of Pimp Juice on the links.

Woods said he will still take some time away from golf, but now to  focus on the National Pimp Tour. Woods on Thursday begins a six-week, 50-city night club tour to promote the beverage. When asked if he planned to sleep with any more VIP hostesses, Woods would only say, “I’ll make sure they get plenty of my Pimp Juice.”

Nelly, who hasn’t had a hit song in years, was excited to be back in the public spotlight.

“I mean, I’m happy to be here with y’all, but this is Tiger’s day,” Nelly said. “He represents this brand like nobody else could.”

While never a big hit, Nelly’s song received plenty of attention – almost all critical – for what many called glorification of prostitution.

Woods, though, stood up for Nelly.

“Nelly is a visionary, and what lyrics may not have made sense years ago are crystal clear today,” Woods said. “Because when I’ve got a can of this on me, and a woman is nearby, I can say one way or another that she only wants me for my Pimp Juice.”

INDIANAPOLIS – Subway may be coming out with a new sandwich soon.

The Booty Meat Footlong.

The long rumored Kim Kardashian and Jared Fogle hookup is beginning to look like a reality.

Kardashian has apparently moved onto Fogle.

The reality TV star and Playboy pinup, who met Fogle last year on the set of a boyfriend Reggie Bush’s Subway Commercial, has been seen arriving and departing the same Indianapolis night club – there is only one – as Fogle the past three Friday and Saturday nights.

“They’re definitely an item,” said a source, who claims to have seen the two inside Subterra Lounge Saturday. “She was grinding all over his five dollar footlong and he had some serious white man’s overbite goin’ on.”

Bush and Fogle were all smiles on the set of a Subway commercial.

Kardashian apparently made it known that she was back on the market after opting to party with Jesus after the Super Bowl instead of Bush, who plays running back for the NFL champion New Orleans Saints.

But after Jesus dumped her to perform miracles for other sports teams and athletes, Kardashian turned to Fogle, who she most recently partied with in January at his 10th anniversary Subway party. Kardashian also attended the same Halloween party as Fogle last year, when she said it was a “coinkidink” that he was Superman and she was Wonder Woman.

Kardashian, seen dining with friends at Sushi Roku in West Hollywood on Tuesday night, had little to say upon leaving the posh restaurant.

Did Jared show Kim his super sub?

“I have little to say,” she said.

Fogle, who was unavailable for comment, is training to fight NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley in a UFC cage match this summer. While he is currently engaged, Fogle is no stranger to celebrities chasing after him.

Lady GaGa is rumored to have penned her hit song, “Bad Romance,” for Fogle, and Britney Spears allegedly promised the Subway pitchman to give up McDonald’s for life if he showed her his Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki.

GaGa and Spears would not return phone calls. Bush could not be reached, but his most recent Tweet on Sunday read, “@JFFootlong best watch your back boy.”

VANCOUVER – Whenever Shaun White’s life story hits the big screen, it will most likely be called, “To Dude With Love.”

The Olympic and X Games gold medalist now has another honor to add to his ever growing trophy collection.

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

He’s been officially duded by Wahoo’s Fish Tacos.

White on Monday joined an exclusive group, which includes Jeff Spicoli, The Dude, the guys from “Dude, Where’s My Car,” and most residents of Southern California.

“Dude, this is amazing,” Dude Shaun said. “I mean, dude. I can’t believe this, dude. Duuuuude.”

The honor, which Wahoo’s bought the rights to in 1992, is only bestowed upon “the most righteous of dudes,” the company said in a statement. “Shaun White exemplifies what a dude is and what a dude oughta be, dude.”

King of the Dudes

Evander Berry Wall, the New York socialite who the New York American in 1888 dubbed “King of the Dudes,” rolled over in his 70-year-old grave when he heard the news, a source who works at the cemetery said.

“Dude, it was awesome,” the source said.

To commemorate White’s achievement, Wahoo’s will give out a free fish taco to every customer who starts and ends their order with “dude” on Tuesday. It will also do the same for its regular price on all other days.

“These fish tacos are good, dude,” Wahoo’s said in its statement.

Spicoli was last seen with Mr. Hand and could not be reached for comment. The Dude, in the midst of a dream sequence, did not want to be disturbed. And the guys from “Dude Where’s My Car,” were, well, you know.

LOS ANGELES – Adult film star Holly Sampson, one of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses, claims that Woods was so shy about talking dirty in bed that he resorted to using Twitter to express himself.

Sampson shows off her new sunglasses.

“I’d say (have sex with) me or (position me) over and (have sex with me) hard, and while his body responded, Tiger just wasn’t responding with his voice,” Sampson said from her San Fernando Valley condominium on Sunday. “It was frustrating to (have sex with) Tiger when he wouldn’t talk while he (put his penis) in my (vagina).”

After some post-coital conversation, Tiger admitted he was shy about expressing himself during sex, Sampson said. That’s when Sampson says she asked Tiger if he could meet her halfway and tweet his feelings to her.

“He jumped out of bed with this big smile on his face and a raging (erection) and said ‘hell (bleepin’) yeah,” she said. “It was the moment that took our (sexual intercourse) to another level.”

Woods loved to "tweet all night," Sampson said.

Sampson, who saved multiple screenshots of Woods’ tweets to her during their romps in bed, says Woods eventually started talking. But without Twitter, he never would have made that kind of progress, she said.

A poll conducted by the Porn Stars of North and Latin America shows that only 28 percent of men talk during sex. And of those, only 0.3 percent last long enough to complete an entire sentence.

Since her revelation, Sampson says she has counseled other cheating celebrities and public officials on how to become more open, she said.

Former Democratic presidential nominee John Edwards, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, and New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez are among the clients of Open It Up, a Sampson’s nonprofit that “teaches men how to speak while (having sex) so the women they are (having sex with) will spread it wide open,” according to its website, OpenItUp.cum.

“Open It Up helped me keep my mouth shut in public and my lips open in the bedroom,” Rodriguez said.

Woods, who on Friday apologized to his wife, his mother, his sponsors, the golfing community, his mailman, and his Viagra supplier at a press conference where he admitted his sex addition, did not return phone calls.

But his last Twitter update said it all.

“My johnson has an ice pack around it and it can’t get up!” he tweeted.

Woods' tweets during sex with Sampson