The Bad Sport

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. – After two hours in the parking lot and four trips through the drive-through, Brett Favre decided that french fries were the perfect complement to his double cheeseburger.

Favre was all smiles after curing his munchies.

Favre’s large fries order at the local Burger King occurred at 10:48 p.m. Tuesday, according to Randy Holliday, the fast food establishment’s assistant fry cook.

“Brett made a great choice,” Holliday said. “I told him it would be a better bang for his buck if he went with the combo, and I think that really got him thinking that second time through the drive-through. When he finally ordered his meal, I could tell he was very happy and enjoyed the fries.”

Favre asked for extra ketchup and salt and ate the fries with his bare hands, Holliday said.

“It was one of those moments you’ll just never forget because you were there,” he said.

Favre has been through plenty of similar excrutiating decisions before. There was his famous “chocolate or vanilla” cone decision at his 8th birthday party at a Gulfport, Miss. Dairy Queen, and his “extra baked beans” decision in sixth grade.

And nobody will forget Favre’s controversial decision last year to order a quesadilla without cheese at Taco Bell, prompting speculation that he was sending a message to the Wisconsin cheese industry.

Brett Favre's french fry order moments before he ate them

However, it was his latest selection that had his fans – and detractors – talking at the water cooler more than ever before.

“To be honest, I think he was a bit selfish,” LeBron James said. “He could have used his fame and power to raise money for the kids and announce his order to the world. LeBron James would never jerk around some fry cook like that.”

Hasbro officials are rumored to be furiously designing a special edition Mr. Potato Head to commemorate Favre, who fans are now calling the Carbohydrate Kid.

Favre could not be reached for comment, as he was still deciding whether to return his calls.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If you ever were curious what Wolf Blitzer would look like fist pumping, wonder no more.

The CNN host is heading to The Jersey Shore.

Wolfie B. is ready for some GTL.

In an effort to boost ratings and cross promote programming, Time Warner reached a deal with Viacom late Sunday to send Blitzer to the MTV hit show’s beach house for its already-in-production third season in exchange for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. The ab-tastic reality star will take over hosting duties for Blizer on, not surprisingly, The Situation Room.

“Yes, we want to improve our shows, but this is about far more than that,” insisted a CNN spokesman in a statement. “This is about giving Wolf a chance to live out a dream.”

"The Situation" will have to hide his abs on his new program.

Blitzer, 62, said the chance to party with The Jersey Shore cast is an opportunity to “let loose for once in my life.”

“I wear a fuckin’ tie every day of the year,” said Blitzer, who has held hosting duties at CNN for 20 years. “And I agreed in my contract to never shave my beard. Now everything changes, and I can finally become Wolfie B.”

Sorrentino, meanwhile, is excited to cover world issues he knows well on the local level.

“We got grenades, man,” the 27-year-old said. “And land mines. And this shit be all ovah the world. International grenades, man. And worldwide land mines.”

As for reports that Jeanne Moos and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi will switch places, CNN and MTV each had no comment.

The Bad Sport loves a good hoax as much as anybody. And in honor of our favorite new HPOA (Hot Piece of Ass) Elyse Porterfield’s wonderful internet prank, it only made sense to give you a glimpse at her before she was famous.

Enjoy …

Pucker Up!

Better catch: the fish or the HPOA?

HPOA on the dance floor

Keep your distance, ladies.

A Bridge to HPOA

Yikes! Not much of a HPOA here!

HPOA quenching

Sweet as Salt?

Me so HPOA

A HPOA's Heinz test

Ay Matey!

Come hither, you picture taker!

LOS ANGELES – David Beckham no longer sounds like a wimp.

After a five-hour successful voice lowering surgery on Saturday, the LA Galaxy midfielder will now speak – literally – like Barry White.

Beckham warming his neck after surgery.

In a deal estimated to be in the $10 million range, Beckham bought the late soul singer’s voicebox. He is still negotiating the rights to White’s music. If successful, he and wife Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham next year will record a duet album entitled, “Can’t Get Enough of Your Voice, Babby.”

Beckham, under doctor’s orders not to speak for the next month until the doctor travels to Mexico, would not physically comment. His wife, however, sat by his side with a smile as wide as her cleavage.

“Next to my friendships with Tom Cruise and Will Smith, this is the happiest day of my life,” Posh said of her husband’s new voice. “I can finally be turned on by David when he calls me from the road.”

Posh thinking extra hard about something

Beckham, whose sculpted figure has tantalized women across the globe, has never had the voice to match it. His wife, who “married him for what I saw on the inside,” realized that part of that inside included high pitched vocal chords.

Initially fearing that elective surgery on Beckham’s voice might risk his life, thus ruining her savings, Posh allegedly waited until he neared the end of his career to push him on the change.

Posh, however, claims that is the “farthest thing from the truth,” adding “that would be a good name for a pop song, ‘The Farthest Thing From the Truth,’ don’t ya think?”

White’s voicebox, however, wasn’t buying it.

White's voice will live on.

“That girl is full of you know what,” White’s voicebox said an hour prior to surgery. “And tell that no-talent girl to keep her mouth shut and just look good. She couldn’t name a pop song from a list of pop songs.

While it isn’t high on Posh, White’s voicebox said he’s looking forward to voicing Beckham for the rest of the athlete’s life.

“I’m completing a package,” White’s voicebox said. “And if he opted for another transplant, I’d be completing two.

“Ohhhhhhhh yeah, baby.”

ST. LOUIS – Tiger’s penis may now be limp, but he still remains a pimp.

Just days after Gatorade dumped Woods, Pimp Juice Energy Drink swooped right in and signed him to a two-year, $10 million endorsement contract.

Tiger couldn't stop roaring about his Pimp Juice.

Rapper Nelly, who co-owns the energy drink inspired by his song of the same name, reached out to Woods immediately when he heard that he was a beverage free agent.

“What we got here is a bonafide pimp and no matter what ya’ll say ’bout him, Tiger got some mad pimp juice inside him,” said Nelly, who sat next to Woods at a Monday press conference at the drink’s Fillmore Street Brewery. “Pimp Juice is proud to have a Tiger representin’.”

Woods, who checked out two months early from the Gentle Path sex addition program at the Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services center in Hattiesburg, Miss., to attend the press conference, said Nelly’s sales pitch was perfect.

“Nelly made me realize I have nothing to apologize for,” Woods said. “There is nothing wrong with being a pimp, and there is everything right with drinking Pimp Juice. I was pretty fired up to have my first Vodka and Pimp Juice this morning.”

Tiger took down a big ass can of Pimp Juice on the links.

Woods said he will still take some time away from golf, but now to  focus on the National Pimp Tour. Woods on Thursday begins a six-week, 50-city night club tour to promote the beverage. When asked if he planned to sleep with any more VIP hostesses, Woods would only say, “I’ll make sure they get plenty of my Pimp Juice.”

Nelly, who hasn’t had a hit song in years, was excited to be back in the public spotlight.

“I mean, I’m happy to be here with y’all, but this is Tiger’s day,” Nelly said. “He represents this brand like nobody else could.”

While never a big hit, Nelly’s song received plenty of attention – almost all critical – for what many called glorification of prostitution.

Woods, though, stood up for Nelly.

“Nelly is a visionary, and what lyrics may not have made sense years ago are crystal clear today,” Woods said. “Because when I’ve got a can of this on me, and a woman is nearby, I can say one way or another that she only wants me for my Pimp Juice.”

INDIANAPOLIS – Subway may be coming out with a new sandwich soon.

The Booty Meat Footlong.

The long rumored Kim Kardashian and Jared Fogle hookup is beginning to look like a reality.

Kardashian has apparently moved onto Fogle.

The reality TV star and Playboy pinup, who met Fogle last year on the set of a boyfriend Reggie Bush’s Subway Commercial, has been seen arriving and departing the same Indianapolis night club – there is only one – as Fogle the past three Friday and Saturday nights.

“They’re definitely an item,” said a source, who claims to have seen the two inside Subterra Lounge Saturday. “She was grinding all over his five dollar footlong and he had some serious white man’s overbite goin’ on.”

Bush and Fogle were all smiles on the set of a Subway commercial.

Kardashian apparently made it known that she was back on the market after opting to party with Jesus after the Super Bowl instead of Bush, who plays running back for the NFL champion New Orleans Saints.

But after Jesus dumped her to perform miracles for other sports teams and athletes, Kardashian turned to Fogle, who she most recently partied with in January at his 10th anniversary Subway party. Kardashian also attended the same Halloween party as Fogle last year, when she said it was a “coinkidink” that he was Superman and she was Wonder Woman.

Kardashian, seen dining with friends at Sushi Roku in West Hollywood on Tuesday night, had little to say upon leaving the posh restaurant.

Did Jared show Kim his super sub?

“I have little to say,” she said.

Fogle, who was unavailable for comment, is training to fight NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley in a UFC cage match this summer. While he is currently engaged, Fogle is no stranger to celebrities chasing after him.

Lady GaGa is rumored to have penned her hit song, “Bad Romance,” for Fogle, and Britney Spears allegedly promised the Subway pitchman to give up McDonald’s for life if he showed her his Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki.

GaGa and Spears would not return phone calls. Bush could not be reached, but his most recent Tweet on Sunday read, “@JFFootlong best watch your back boy.”