The Bad Sport

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PLEASANTON, Calif. -  There were no “booms,” “bangs” or “doinks” on Thanksgiving.

There was just John Madden, his wife Virginia and a turducken.

For the first time in a long time, including his 30-year broadcasting career, Madden did not have to think about football.

“It’s an odd feeling,” said Madden, who didn’t know what to do with himself. “You know, it’s like you’ve got this feeling and it’s just odd, and that’s why you call it an odd feeling.”

The 73-year-old Hall of Famer, who spent the last three decades in living rooms across the country while working for the major four television networks, had trouble watching the games Thursday.

“Watching football is difficult when you’re not around the game,” he said. “You see, because I don’t work in football anymore, it’s difficult to watch. If I were around the game, it would be easy, but because I’m not, it’s difficult.”

While Madden hardly watched any of the three holiday games, he refused to leave his Madden Cruiser, which he has slept in for the entire season, his wife said.

“John is John, so when John’s being John, you can’t stop him from being John,” she said. “He’s just John.”

Madden’s refusal to sleep in the same bed as his wife has not been a surprise, his wife said. Without a structured schedule, Madden doesn’t know how to function, so he resorts to most of his past habits to stay sharp, she said. And that sharpness, unfortunately, leaves Virginia Madden without a spooner at night.

Her husband admits he doesn’t understand the fascination with the cuddling position.

“I’m not a big spoon guy,” he said. “Spoons can only go so far, which is why we have the fork. The fork can pick things up. The spoon only scoops, and when you scoop, you drop stuff. I don’t wanna drop stuff, so I use the fork.”

Madden made good use of his fork Thursday, chomping away at a fresh turducken and all the trimmings that Virginia cooked. After eating a 20-lb. bird within a bird within a bird, three pounds of stuffing and two pounds of cranberry sauce, Madden took a breather to return to one of his favorite pastimes: telestrating.

While football was “out of the question,” Madden turned on “What’s Cluckin’ in My Turducken?” and began to go wild.

Pulling out the telestrator that Al Michaels gave him for his retirement, Madden pointed out the key methods that can mean the difference between a turducken gone right and a turducken “gone cluckin’,” he said.

“Watch this,” Madden said, his voice finally full of the passion that made him the most popular football color commentator of his generation. “The turkey may be dead, but it’s still ready for that duck. But the duck has to want to go inside that turkey and it can’t until the chicken wants to go inside the duck. Now watch these two men work their magic … right HERE. FREEZE IT!”

If only Madden were talking about the turducken and not the video.

“But I inhaled it fellas,” he said. “And when I inhale a turducken, it can’t come back out. Because I digested it, and you see, that’s the way digestion works.”