The Bad Sport

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You flirt with them. You take photos of them. But you don’t take them to your bedroom.

And while mascots are meant to entertain fans, they say they need some entertainment too – the physical kind.

One day after the New England Patriots’ mascot, Pat, was arrested in a prostitution sting in Rhode Island, his fellow NFL mascots across the nation are telling dark tales of lonely sexless nights.

“Sure, we are cheered under the lights by tens of thousands of people,” said Miles, the Denver Broncos’ mascot. “But we’re not getting anything under the covers. You think it’s frustrating when you’re on a cold streak? Look at me. I’m hung like a horse and nobody even knows it!”

Mascots were nearly banned from their own sidelines in January after the Tennessee Titans’ T-Rac went for a cheerleader’s rack during a playoff loss to the Ravens. But after further review, the play on the field stood.

“Yeah I was lucky, but I still didn’t get lucky,” T-Rac said.

From the fan’s perspective, mascots have the life. Everybody wants to touch them and they can pretty much get away with any shenanigans – on the field and in the stands. But while that’s true inside the stadium, it doesn’t go beyond there, they say.

“Opposing cheerleaders love me,” said Blue of the Indianapolis Colts. “But when I ask them if they wanna go clubbing after the game, they always say no. Here I spend three hours buttering them up and I’m left with my dick in my paw at the end of the night.”

Blue added that most women don’t even realize if he’s frustrated because his “balls are always blue.”

Cheerleaders, however, tell a different story.

“We tell a different story,” said a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because she couldn’t remember her name.

NFL mascots held a closed door meeting on Saturday in an undisclosed barn in the Midwest to discuss how to better deal with their raging hormones, an unnamed mascot said.

The meeting lasted three minutes.