The Bad Sport

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NEW YORK – Howard Stern has negotiated a multi-hundred dollar deal with 10 of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses to participate in a mud wrestling pay-per-view special on New Year’s Eve.

The program, entitled “Tiger’s Catch: Butt Bongo Fiesta 2,” will mark Stern’s first New Year’s Eve special in 16 years. It will cost $49.95 to purchase just the match, and $69.95 for the match, plus pre- and post-match analysis by Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate, Stern’s executive producer, and Beetlejuice, one of the show’s “Wack Pack” members.

“This is a historic moment in the history of television,” Stern said this morning on his Sirius Radio show. “In fact Robin (Quivers, his co-host), it’s a historic moment in the history of America.”

The “muddy mistress spectacular,” as Stern described it, will pit all 10 women against each other in a no holds barred match. Tiger Woods, however, will not be participating in the competition, despite Stern’s best efforts to recruit him.

“Ten hot broads covered in mud and that a-hole isn’t interested,” Stern said. “Maybe he needs his caddy to advise him on the wind velocity between the chicks’ butts.”

Co-host Artie Lange will referee the match, and didn’t rule out getting into the action himself.

“Ten hot (women) covered in mud and you think I’m not gonna dive into the pile?” said Lange, who Stern made weigh in to ensure he didn’t outweigh all 10 mistresses combined. “I haven’t been this excited since that one critic gave my movie Beer League a half star.”

While Stern would not name every mistress participating, three of those who claimed to have affairs with Woods – Jaimee Grubbs, Jaime Jungers and Holly Sampson – are “100 percent in,” said a man who claimed he was assistant director on Sampson’s most recent adult film, “Into The Woods.”

Media analysts expect Stern’s special to contend for the most watched pay-per-view program ever. But despite their optimism and his event’s enormous publicity, Stern will still have to contend with the likes of Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly, whose New Year’s specials air on free network television.

“I cater to men who have nothing better to do than (have fun) alone that night,” Stern said. “”Anybody with a pulse will be watching our show. Even Dick Clark will be watching while that fraud Seacrest ruins his franchise.”

One man who said he’ll be shelling out his dough is Joseph “Blue” Pulaski, who said his only issue with the match is the substance involved.

“They should be using KY Jelly,” Pulaski said. “Anyone with a brain knows it’s better for the skin. Those pansies better get their act together.”

Woods, Grubbs, Jungers, and Sampson could not be reached for comment.

Quivers could be reached, but was still laughing at something Stern said an hour earlier.